I’m in shock.
I thought I lived in an ordinary house on a serene street in a staid neighborhood where drivers respect the speed limit and stray cats thrive on free handouts.
So, you can imagine my consternation at discovering that I did not, in fact, live in a peaceful residential house, but an unaccredited institution of higher feline learning.
Run by—yes, you guessed it—The Fulsome Four, a.k.a., The Land Sharks.
Apparently, while I have been innocently going about my business—reading, evacuating ants, opening cans of cat food, and otherwise attempting to maintain the illusion that I am in charge—The Fulsome Four have been operating an entire university under my roof.
The courses on offer reside in fluffy clouds and are taught asynchronously, allowing students maximum flexibility to nap according to their own schedules. Although most classes are online, I have been informed that a limited number of in-feline courses are available for local cats.
As for faculty credentials, the less said, the better.
Now, let me show you the course catalog:
Dean Nebula—Department of Sovereignty, Mysticism, and Applied Disdain
Nebula is a white Turkish Angora; Keeper of Timelines and self-proclaimed Cosmic Queen of Everything
Courses:
Mystery as Magnetism: How to Be Unavailable and Still Receive Everything
Doorways to Other Dimensions: Advanced Techniques in Meowing at Nothing
The Power of the Royal No: Boundary Spells for Sovereignty & Style
Bonus: Future Self Activation: Finding the Treat-Maximized Version of Yourself
Professor Newbery—Department of Attachment Theory & Competitive Resource Acquisition
Newbery is a black domestic shorthair; Chaos Agent, Mystic, and Lap Evangelist
Courses:
How to Be Misunderstood but Iconic
Ambivalence and Attachment: Constraints and Considerations in Lap Selection
Paw Strikes and Projectiles: Power Dynamics Behind the Door
Bonus: Was Chairman Mao in Want of a Cat? A Historical Inquiry
Professor Hugo—Department of Contemplative Studies & Conflict Avoidance
Hugo is a champagne Burmese; Sun Prince, Diplocat, and Sommelier of Soft Surfaces.
Courses:
Softness as Strategy: Rolling in Litter Like It’s a Beach Day
Diplomatic Napping: Emotional Regulation for the Overstimulated Soul
Special Effects 101: How to Hinge Like a Haunted Door
Bonus: Bunting for Peace
Assistant Professor Caldecott (Callie)—Department of Enthusiasm, Improvisation, and Unforced Errors
Callie is a gray tabby and not-quite-Maine-Coon look-alike; Movement Minimalist, Greenies Enthusiast, and Gender-Fluid Floof
Courses:
Beginner’s Adoration: How to Love Without Clueing In
Learning the Unspoken Rules You Just Broke: A Survival Guide
Obstruction Studies: Whatever You Do, Don’t Blink
Bonus: Pending departmental approval
You may be feeling better now that you’ve seen the catalog. Or not. At least, you won’t be caught off guard if your cats suddenly start quoting Meow Zedong.
My sincere apologies to those of you whose cats may have fallen prey to the deceptive practices of these aptly nicknamed Land Sharks. Enrollment isn’t optional, so those of you who share a home with cats have probably noticed suspicious charges.
Yes, I agree, the tuition truly is predatory, but refunds are not possible. I do not have access to any of the Land Sharks’ ill-gotten gains, nor do I have a clue where they may have hidden them. Possibly in an unmarked account at a Swiss bank catering to cat cabals.
Oh, no, no, I do not have the personal funds to pay you back. The unauthorized food delivery—for the cats alone—is ruinous.
A few important notes:
This is the course catalog as it stands today. Courses may be discontinued without notice. Substitutions may be made on the spur of the moment.
Enrollment is automatic. Graduation is impossible. The faculty has tenure.
For those of you who have made it this far, congratulations. The university has authorized me—without explaining why—to offer a limited number of auditing opportunities.
Tell me in the comments which course you’d most like to take, and I’ll see what I can do. No guarantees. Admissions decisions appear to be made by knocking objects off a desk.